Today my child is starting kindergarden (pre-school, maternelle en francais). I am feeling something, I don’t understand fully what it is, but something in me is responding positively to this milestone in my child’s young life. I feel he is ready for the world, because I and the father have done our best so far!
Looking back at my own childhood
Becoming a parent has made me wondered about how it was for me. Actually, more than wondered, I had to work on the wounds I had carried from my (early) childhood. I have felt more respect and love for my parents, because growing a little human isn’t the easiest experience (I totally understand the people who choose not to have a child). What I understood with retrospective is that my parents did the best they could with their love for me, their own emotional wounds and the culture we lived in.
I am not going to dwell on my childhood here, but I wanted to recognize that where I came from was not perfect, yet there was love. It made me realized that I am not looking at being a perfect mum but a mum who does her best with the resources she has… well luckily I was ready to look deeper to find more resources.
Emotionally triggered
Motherhood experience takes on everything: the body, the mind, the heart. Emotions and hormones run high for the mother, while the father tries to figure out his role and place, and the couple tries to find its place in a new balancing act.
With emotions running high and a baby who cried a lot and needed a lot of carrying, then with the usual tantrums from the age of two, something awoke in me. My past wounds. I felt how my present experience with my child was triggering something in me. One very simple example, when he started to go through tantrums, which is a natural development process, I felt distraught. I realised, I don’t even know how to deal with my own anger or the anger of others.
I had spent my entire life trying to dissolve tensions in my family system, so there was never space for me to listen to my own anger. My goal, since a very young age, was to try to dissolve tensions, pain and anger that others around me would feel. So, I got to work on retrieving my anger and on being OK with others around me being tensed or angry (so that I could relax and support my child when he was going through tantrums). I discovered I had the profound belief that if someone is tensed or angry at me (or someone else), or if I cause pain to someone, they would not love me. Well, I am glad this is dissolved!
Since then I have done my best (moms always do their best, whatever they achieve), I have tried to work on all the triggers that my child, my marriage or my friendships would bring. and I am still working everyday!
I had to be present not only to my conscious self, but also to my wounded self too
I have realized that my child is a mirror. It means that whatever is happening inside me, he reflects it in his feelings or behaviours right in front of me. For example I noticed that when I am unsettled in myself, he would be unsettled and very resistant to my guidance and my daily care. I also noticed that all his crying (when an infant) and then demanding attentions as a toddler have helped me tremendously to learn how to be present to myself. Before having him I was rarely present to myself or listening to my needs and wants, I was just going through life, without being very conscious about my choices. Having a young child requires to pay attention and be present to ourselves; and they are not forgiving, we can’t be present with our body and not be present with our entire mind and soul. But to me listening to myself and being present to myself meant I had to look in the dark corners of my souls, I had to be present not only to my conscious self, but also to my wounded self, to my inner critic (she was strong), and to my shadows. I worked on myself even more!
Filling my cup is my priority number one
This experience guided me also to discover myself at a deeper level. I understood that I was very sensitive to others’ emotions, I am like a sponge to tensions and negative energies. This meant that I chose to be less social, I decided to spend more time by myself (mainly meditation, journaling and walking in the forest). I took self-care to all different level. I now choose consciously all my activities, I plan my weeks and days better. If I know one event or experience is going to tire me up, I make sure my cup is filled before. All this was motivated by the fact that I didn’t want to be a depleted mother, exhausted and depressed (that is my go-to mechanism when I am empty of energy).
I am only human and doing my best
Crying in front of my kid happens of course. Screaming at him happens even more (even though a part of me is observing and knowing it is not the right way). Yes, I work on myself. And I am only human. When my child was tiny, I would cry because I was a bit lost, and I would tell him that it is just a phase but right now I am feeling sad or frustrated, it has nothing to do with him and it doesn’t affect my love. Now that is a bit bigger, it is more the screaming that comes; I sit and calm myself down, trying not to escalate the situation. Most time I apologize, and I tell him that sometimes I cannot do better than that. He might not understand all of it consciously, but his subconscious mind is recording everything.
I would love to encourage you to look into yourself:
Are you ready to look deeper into yourself at why you are triggered by certain situations?
Are you ready to look at your emotions and what they want to tell you?
What is your child asking you to look at?
How was your childhood? What did you carry from there?
Are you truly and deeply taking care of yourself as a woman? How do you feel your cup?
Whatever you are doing right now is the best you can do with the resources you have!