“I know it’s going to trigger you, but I need to tell you….”
In my FB group, I asked for questions, a dear client asked me “can I be in a functional relationship if I am dysfunctional?”
First of all, we are all dysfunctional. I don’t know one human being who is not.
It is all about how we know and manage our dysfunction, or dare I say our humanity?
Being human is being imperfect.
And what is a “functional” relationship?
· both parties are aware of their own triggers, wounds, reactions;
· both parties respect each other’s boundaries and values
· Both parties are willing to work on themselves and communicate when something is off
In the first 6 months of my relationship with my husband I went straight to a coach, because I could see I could lose the relationship if I wasn’t working on my own reactions. I had identified that some reactions were not related to the current situation but to deeply rooted wounds.
We are all dysfunctional/human, all of us can get triggered and react when in relationships (love, friendship or work). A reaction is when something happens (events/words) and we react without a thought process. Events that trigger leads to immediate reaction (body reaction/behaviour/words) that is often based on underlying beliefs that you formed in childhood.
How to identify your triggers/reactions?
You may hear voices like that in your head
“He/she doesn’t love me”; “he is mean to me sometimes” “ He/she is always angry at me”
“Why is he/she rejecting me?” “He/she will go, because eventually I always end up alone”
Or you may have physical reactions/behaviours: crying, anxiety, getting angry and shouting, body pains, stress signs, headaches, it is impossible for you to express your feelings and opinions, etc.
9 things I have learnt from being dysfunctional in a functional relationship
Stop blaming the other person. Yes they are imperfect, yet they are not responsible for your own reactions/misery/anger/sadness.
Take responsibility for your own mess, which leads to the next step
Go to individual therapy/coaching – it is OK to ask for help!
Change your language. Stop saying “You did/said that, You make me feel…” and start saying “I feel triggered/angry/annoyed when you do/say that”
Know your partner’s triggers. What triggers them and how can you prevent triggers with language. Do not prevent triggers by shutting down your own feelings
Acceptance. Accept who you are, you and your partner. Accept your imperfections. Accept that you are going to disagree overtime.
Check your values: what do you value the most in a relationship? Are your values and your partner’s values aligned?
Do regular check with yourself. Does this relationship brings you joy/happiness/peace? What are you getting and how much are you giving? Is there a balance? Can you be yourself in this relationship? Do you have the space to be yourself?
Take time and build boundaries. It can take time to balance a relationship. I learnt it is OK not to talk with your partner when you are not ready. It is OK to spend your evening on your own to gather yourself and be ready for a big conversation the next day.
You can be in a functional relationship but you need to have worked on your fears/triggers/reactions - so that you are able to identify and process your triggers and reactions when they come. And there is nothing wrong with spending some evenings or days alone when you are in a relationship.
With this blog post I celebrate 9 years with my husband and let me tell you, when he told me the other day “I know it is going to trigger you, but I need to tell you….” ; I felt a big win in my heart. I felt the flow of love, because when you love someone, you take time to know their beauty and their dark corners, and right there he had learnt how to deal my dark corner. And this “happy situation” didn’t happened in one day; it took tears, silence, alone time, re-evaluation and good foundations on our values. It is work to build a relationship; and the deep knowledge that we will never arrive, we are on a journey with no end.
If You need help with figuring out all this, I am happy to set up a free 30 min chat and you can check here how to work with me