Control as a way to make sense of my circumstances
Why do we want to control? Our ego wants control because she is just a child trying to make sense of difficult circumstances.
Hardship and pain experienced as a child aren’t easy. We live through some situation that we have NO control over (violence, divorce, bullying, move, mental illness affecting care givers, ancestral pain, etc). And then we make meaning as a baby or child with the resources we have: the brain development of a 2-month-old or a 10-year old and parents who lack emotional availability.
Through regression and hypnotherapy, I have accessed my inner fetus, my inner child of all ages. I realized I made assumptions about my circumstances and how I felt about these circumstances.
One of the first belief I formed was that big feelings won’t be acknowledged and it is dangerous to express big feelings, which became: “I am not acknowledged and loved, and I better stay quiet about how I feel inside me.”
This belief became a lens through which I experienced life and other hardships: divorce of my parents, sexual violence, emotional violence, bullying, verbal and physical violence by teachers, constant move (never stayed in one school for more than 3 years). Living through hardship with this belief made it harder for me to express my hurt. The sexual violence part even came back to my memory only one year ago.
Adding to that I am an empath since childhood, I feel the vibes of people and of places, I absorb everything, I take others’ problems and pain as my own. A complete lack of boundaries that was also enforced by a toxic family.
I also experienced normal life with this belief: when someone was genuinely nice, I would get into shy mode, get back into my shell, because how is it possible?
Very early I (subconsciously) decided to be in control:
concentrating on concrete subject in school that don’t ask to show my sensibility: maths, grammar, English (because I loved the grammar), geography.
Not expressing my feelings, so also my parents never got to know about how I felt inside
Not asking for any help. I am on my own, at least I can control myself
Eating disorder, mine was quite light, but it was there, filling myself up with food so that I won’t focus on my big feeling
Branding myself shy, so that I don’t have to show up including when I made mistakes and hurt others
In the current moon cycle (august 2020), I got angry with the universe for not solving some issues I have. But basically, I got angry because I have no control over the resolution of these issues. I also got my birth chart read last week by Thomas (@laboussoledesheros), he really insisted that I have an issue with control, which I have been ignoring massively, thinking “I am spiritual, I trust the universe”. However, some part of me still wanted the control and the full moon made sure I looked at this issue.
Here I am after this full moon, learning to trust the universe at a deeper level after I gave love and healing to my 8 years old self, who still wanted to control everything, because she felt abandoned and alone.
My anxiety has calmed down
I feel a sense of peace
Thank you Universe
What can you do to reduce your controlling thoughts and behaviours?
Recognize your inner child's pain
Give her love and hugs
Tell her "You are safe now"
Tell her "Your parents did the best they could with the resources they had"
Write a letter to your younger self "Dear Younger self, ..."
Practice some form of spirituality
Train your brain to notice the beauty of your life and nature
Meditation and prayer
Journaling, putting down on paper your anxiety, fears, insomnia
Setting monthly, weekly and daily goals and reviewing them
Resources
My journaling webinar + workbook, click here to get it (if you are already part of my mailing list, it was sent in July to your inbox)
Embody Podcast by Candice Wu as so many resources!
This article by Lulu Kitololo talks about time management and is really about regaining a CONSCIOUS control over your life.